In our daily interactions, whether it be with our friends, partners, family members, children, colleagues, or neighbors, the act of validation can be a transformative tool. Grounded in diverse psychological theories and prominently featured in therapeutic approaches such as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), validation involves acknowledging and accepting another individual's internal experiences as genuine and significant. This fundamental gesture can profoundly deepen trust, connection, and understanding in various types of relationships.
Understanding Validation
Validation is not mere agreement or approval; it is about acknowledging and accepting someone's internal experience, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. This act of acknowledgment communicates respect and worth, affirming that their experiences hold significance and are understandable. In DBT, pioneered by Dr. Marsha Linehan, validation is integral to managing emotions and enhancing interpersonal effectiveness, helping to mitigate conflicts and deepen empathy.
One common misconception about validation is that it implies agreement or endorsement of someone's thoughts or behaviors. In reality, validation is about acknowledging another person’s emotions and experiences as legitimate and real, regardless of one's own opinion or personal reactions. People often hesitate to validate because they fear it may seem like they are condoning negative behavior or incorrect beliefs. However, validation is merely a way of communicating that you understand someone's feelings or perspective, not that you agree with them. This misunderstanding can prevent individuals from using validation effectively, potentially missing opportunities to connect more deeply with others and to provide support in a non-judgmental manner.
Another common misconception (especially in the context of parenting) is that validation is supposed to influence the other person to "calm down." While it is true that sometimes the simple act of validating another person can reduce the intensity of their emotions because they feel seen and heard, this is more what I like to call a "happy side effect," not necessarily the goal of validation. In reality, the other person might still be quite upset even after you validate them. True validation is accepting their emotions as being understandable, given their experiences, goals, and history at the time. While being handed a peeled banana might not seem like a big deal to an adult, to a toddler it might feel pretty terrible -- maybe they wanted to the peel the banana themselves to get that sense of accomplishment and mastery, and now they can't! Validating effectively means acknowledging that the feelings make sense, without approving of the behavior.
What to Validate
Validating involves more than recognizing someone’s overt actions or words; it’s about affirming their underlying physiological reactions, thoughts, and feelings. This might include:
Emotions: Acknowledging how someone feels about a situation.
Thoughts and Beliefs: Recognizing someone’s opinions or beliefs as their understanding of a situation.
Pain and Struggles: Showing understanding and sympathy for someone’s difficulties or suffering.
It is important to note that we can only validate what is actually valid. While emotions might not always be justified or objectively fit the facts, they are always valid!
Applying Validation in Various Relationships
Marriage and Romantic Relationships: In the dynamics of a romantic relationship, validation helps couples feel more connected and supported. When partners validate each other, they communicate that they see and appreciate the other’s perspective. This builds a safer emotional space and can diffuse conflicts before they escalate. For a funny take on the difference between problem-solving and validation, check out the short clip "It's Not About the Nail."
Friendships: Friends often turn to one another for support during tough times. By validating each other's feelings, friends can strengthen their bond and ensure a lasting relationship. It tells the other person, "Your feelings matter to me," enhancing mutual respect.
Workplace Relationships: In professional settings, validation can promote a positive work environment and increase productivity. For employers and managers, acknowledging the challenges and efforts of employees can boost morale and loyalty. Similarly, colleagues who validate each other can create a more cooperative and collaborative atmosphere.
Interactions with Strangers: Even brief encounters with strangers can be improved through validation. Recognizing the feelings or difficulties of others, even in passing, can spread positivity and make social interactions smoother and more pleasant.
Parenting: For parents, validating their child's feelings can be crucial in helping them develop a secure sense of self and emotional intelligence. It teaches children how to empathize with others and manage their own emotions, laying the groundwork for healthier emotional development. And yes, sometimes validating our children can help them feel calmer because they feel understood.
Techniques for Effective Validation
There are many ways to demonstrate validation. In DBT, there are six "levels" of validation that can help build relationships, ease emotional distress, and encourage effective communication. Here are the 6 levels:
Being Present: This involves giving your full attention to the other person without being distracted by other things. Active listening is crucial here, showing the person that you are physically and emotionally present. Put your phone away, make good eye contact, and listen with curiosity and empathy.
Accurate Reflection: This level of validation requires you to reflect back what the other person is saying without interpreting or adding your own thoughts. It helps the speaker feel heard and understood.
Mind Reading: Not to be confused with a common cognitive distortion discussed in CBT, this level of validation involves guessing another person’s feelings or thoughts based on verbal cues, nonverbal gestures, and your knowledge of the person and the context. It’s important to remember that guesses should be tentative and open to correction.
Understanding Based on History: Validation at this level means acknowledging how someone’s past experiences can influence their current thoughts and feelings. It shows a deeper level of understanding and appreciation for the person’s history and struggles.
Normalizing or Recognizing Emotional Reactions: This involves expressing that a person’s emotions are normal or understandable in a given context. It helps reduce feelings of being strange or alone in their emotional experiences.
Radical Genuineness: This is the deepest level of validation, where you relate to the person’s feelings or thoughts as valid and real for them. It means interacting with the person as an equal, deserving of your respect. This level of validation can be profoundly meaningful as it makes the person feel genuinely seen and valued for who they are.
Each level builds on the previous one, helping to foster understanding and empathy while supporting emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness.
The Importance of Self-Validation
In addition to validating others, self-validation is crucial for personal growth and emotional health. It involves acknowledging your own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as valid and understandable. Practicing self-validation teaches you to accept and understand your own experiences, fostering greater self-compassion and resilience. It’s about giving yourself the same level of empathy and understanding you offer to others, which can greatly affect your mental well-being and the quality of your relationships.
Embracing validation in your daily life enriches your interactions and deepens your connections. By genuinely acknowledging and affirming the feelings and perspectives of both yourself and others, you cultivate a nurturing environment ripe for growth and understanding. Let validation be a cornerstone of your interactions, and watch as your relationships—and your own sense of self—thrive.
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