- Dr. Amber Ufford
Helping you and your child cope ahead for the holidays
The holidays are almost here, and while there may be a lot of joy during this time, it can also be a very stressful time. Unfortunately, many parents notice that their children’s behavior problems worsen during the holidays. Things may look different with shiny decorations just begging for little hands to touch them. Daily routines and structure can change due to school breaks or traveling, which can be both exciting and confusing for children. As adults, we may be feeling stressed about all that needs to get done and our little ones can pick up on this. And this year, with illnesses like COVID, RSV and the flu to consider, how you celebrate the holidays may be different than how you would like, contributing to the stress felt by parents and children alike.
A great way to prepare for the holidays is to practice the skill of coping ahead, which is commonly taught in CBT and DBT. You can learn more about this skill more generally in my post here. Identifying the stressful situation coming up and planning out how you will cope can be a great strategy to surviving the holidays.
Coping ahead may be as simple as building in an extra 10-15 minutes to your morning routine to account for things like finding and putting on mittens, hats, coats, and boots, to ensure that everyone gets out of the house prepared for colder weather. Or coping ahead could be more structured, such as considering how to help your child deal with the transition between school and winter break, preparing for large family gatherings, or traveling across the country. Here are a few specific situations that I think deserve to be highlighted:
Traveling
Whether you are flying, driving, or taking a train, traveling during the holidays can be exhausting. Add in children to this mix, and it can feel like you’re juggling meltdown after meltdown. One way to reduce the stress on yourself as a parent is to anticipate what problems or stressors might arise, and identify possible solutions that may help you address them. Whether that be traveling with a child prone to carsickness, navigating an unfamiliar airport during a layover, or just trying to get out of the house on time, having a plan is key. You will want to identify any hiccups in your plan, including any difficult emotions (yours or your child’s) that may get in the way of effective behavior, and then come up with specific strategies or skills that may help you navigate these hiccups (e.g., bringing a change of clothes in case of carsickness or blowouts, looking up airport restaurants in advance, making a playlist for the car ride to relieve whininess). Keeping a sense of humor and sense of adventure doesn’t hurt, either. Traveling can be stressful for children also! To alleviate some of this stress, take time a few days before you travel to prepare your child for what to expect. In an age-appropriate way, explain where you will be going, why, and how. You might even write or draw out when you will be traveling on a calendar that is visible and accessible to your child with them. Assure your child that you will help them pack all the things they will need for the trip, such as their favorite stuffed animal. Bring activities, games, and snacks for the flight or ride, and space out when you distribute them so that your child doesn’t exhaust their options halfway through the trip. If you’re traveling to or staying with family that you don’t see often, it can also be helpful to review with your child behavior expectations and play options. Balance out what isn’t allowed by highlighting what is allowed, and be sure to praise your child for being flexible and respectful once you are there. Example: “We’re going to grandma’s for Thanksgiving. Grandma’s house has different rules than at home, such as no running in the halls and no markers in the living room. But, I checked with grandma and she said that you can run around outside and can totally color with your markers in the kitchen! Let’s go pick out the coloring books you can bring to grandma’s house!”
Large family gatherings
As exciting as it may be to get together with family during the holidays, family gatherings might also feel overwhelming for your child. This is especially true if they are seeing family members that they don’t know or remember very well. For younger children, one way to cope ahead is to create a photo album with pictures of the family members that will be at the gathering, and to review it with your child prior to (and even during) the trip. For older children, talk with them about the think might happen and any concerns they might have. As always, you know your child best. Consider what might be stressful for your child – whether that be demands to be hugged or kissed by distant relatives, feeling overwhelmed by crowded dinner tables or rowdy cousins, or having to wait their turn to open gifts – and imagine how you can help your child cope ahead in advance by discussing what their options are for what to say and do.
Food and eating worries
For picky eaters and their parents, the holidays can be stressful, disappointing, and scary. Remember that it is your job to feed your child, and it’s your child’s job to eat. Be realistic about what your child will likely consume. Try to make sure there is at least one thing on your child’s plate that they will eat and try not to pressure them to eat new foods if they don’t want to. While flexible eating is certainly a great goal to have, being pressured or forced to eat in front of others can create fear at the dinner table and actually make picky eating worse. If necessary, ask family members in advance not to comment on what your child is eating and to instead keep the dinner conversation fun. It can help to come prepared with a few phrases you can say to family members who feel the need to judge or comment on your child’s eating. Examples: “We’re focusing more on family and fun today, and less on food.” “I’m not worried that he only ate mashed potatoes this year. He’ll probably eat more foods next year.”
Grief during the holidays
While the holidays can be stressful for many people, for some families the holidays can be a painful reminder of the loss of loved ones. Talk with your child about what may be different this year and how they are feeling, and validate their feelings. If old holiday traditions feel painful this year, you may want to consider involving your child in thinking of ways to honor and remember your loved one. This could be done by creating a special ornament, making your loved one’s favorite meal, or donating or volunteering for a cause that held a special place in their loved one’s life. Don’t forget to give yourself space to process your own thoughts and emotions related to grief and loss, and to reach out to your support system.
Winter Break transition
Children thrive with consistency and structure, but during this time most schedules go right out the window. This can lead children to be more irritable, anxious, whiney, and even aggressive. While you may not be able to recreate the exact schedule as school or daycare, keeping some routines in place will help alleviate some of this stress. Routines give children a sense of predictability that can help anxious children stay calm and provides whiney children a sense of firm and loving limits (“We only watch one episode of Bluey in the mornings and then its breakfast time. We’ll get to watch Bluey again tomorrow. Do you want waffles or eggs for breakfast?”).
One way to prepare for this transition is to use a calendar that is visible and accessible to your child to mark down (with words or pictures) when winter break is and what activities you as a family will do. Another great strategy is to create a visual schedule of activities that occur each day (including meals, outdoor playtime, screen time, and reading), and try to stick to that structure as much as possible. Your home routine does not need to be the same as school, but it should be predictable and consistent, as these boundaries help kids feel safe.
One of my favorite ways to cope ahead for the holidays with children is to keep and maintain a routine of special time. Special time is 1-1 time that you spend with your child playing with them, connecting, and enjoying their company, for just 5-10 minutes a day. Try having special time around the same time each day, regardless of how your child behaved. This predictable routine can actually reduce behavior problems and can also be a great reminder as parents to slow down during this stressful time.
I hope you found these tips helpful! Here’s to getting through the holidays feeling ready for the new year!
P.S. -- Want to learn more about special time? Stay tuned for a blog post soon on what it is and how to do it!