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Boundaries vs Limits: Understanding the Difference for Healthier Relationships

Dr. Amber Ufford

Many people use the terms "boundaries" and "limits" interchangeably, but there are key distinctions between the two. Understanding these differences can help you maintain healthy relationships, protect your emotional well-being, and communicate your needs effectively.


Stressed woman holding her hands over her face

What Are Limits?

Limits define what we find acceptable or tolerable in a given situation. They are personal guidelines based on our values, preferences, and emotional capacity. For example, you may have a limit around how much screen time your child can have in a day or how late a friend can call you at night. Limits provide clarity around what works for you and help guide decision-making.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries, on the other hand, are the actions you take in response to others' behaviors. Since we cannot control what others do, boundaries focus on what we are willing to do to maintain our well-being. A boundary is not about enforcing rules on others but rather setting expectations for how we will respond if our limits are not respected.

For instance, while you may be okay with your child having a small treat with dinner (your limit), if they start whining for more, your boundary is deciding how you will respond—perhaps by calmly stating, "I won’t be giving more treats, even if you whine."

Why Boundaries and Limits Matter

Boundaries and limits play a crucial role in maintaining balance in relationships. Without them, we may find ourselves feeling overwhelmed, resentful, or taken advantage of. Some key benefits include:

  • Emotional Well-Being: Setting boundaries helps prevent burnout and emotional exhaustion.

  • Clear Communication: Limits and boundaries help others understand what to expect from us.

  • Stronger Relationships: When we are clear about our needs, relationships become more respectful and mutually fulfilling.

  • Personal Empowerment: Recognizing that we control our own responses (rather than trying to control others) leads to a greater sense of self-confidence.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Limits

  1. Identify Your Limits: Take time to reflect on what you can and cannot accept in different aspects of your life—work, parenting, friendships, and self-care.

  2. Communicate Clearly: Express your limits and boundaries in a calm, firm, and respectful manner. For example, "I’m happy to help, but I can only commit to one evening a week."

  3. Follow Through with Your Boundaries: Boundaries are only effective if you enforce them consistently. If a friend repeatedly ignores your limit of no late-night calls, you may decide not to answer after a certain time.

  4. Accept That Others May Not Like Your Boundaries: Setting boundaries can sometimes lead to pushback. Remember, you are responsible for your well-being, not for making others happy at your expense. (Yes, this includes your children! It is difficult to show up for your children when if you can't show up for yourself, first.)

  5. Practice Self-Compassion: It’s normal to feel guilty or uncertain when setting boundaries, but prioritizing your needs is a healthy and necessary practice. You are human and you are allowed to take care of yourself.


Final Thoughts

Boundaries and limits are essential tools for maintaining respect and emotional health in our relationships. By recognizing that we can’t control others but can control our own actions, we empower ourselves to create healthier dynamics with those around us. Start small, be consistent, and watch how honoring your limits and boundaries can improve your well-being and interactions with others.


Have you struggled with setting boundaries or limits? What strategies have worked for you? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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© 2021 by Amber Ufford, Ph.D. 

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